


What You Need

by felineranger



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-30 20:57:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21434596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: After an embarrassingly revealing encounter with a psiren, things are a tad awkward on Starbug.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Comments: 7
Kudos: 107
Collections: Red Dwarf Fic Remix Fest 2019





	What You Need

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SugarCrystal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarCrystal/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Boyfriend You've Always Wanted](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11256528) by [SugarCrystal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarCrystal/pseuds/SugarCrystal). 

“Mr Lister?Sir?” Kryten put his head around the door of the sleeping quarters, where Lister had quickly retreated back to after the...incident.He was huddled moodily on the bunk and only reluctantly made eye contact.“Yeah?”

“Sorry to bother you whilst you’re still wallowing in the shame and humiliation of recent events, but Mr Cat insists it is your turn to take over in the cockpit.”

Lister squirmed uncomfortably, “I suppose that means I’m on shift with...?”

“With Mr Rimmer.Yes, Sir.”

“Noooooo....” Lister’s head sank to his knees.“I can’t!”

“I’m aware of the slight social awkwardness of the situation, Sir, however I’m afraid we don’t have many options.”

“Slight?_Slight_?!”

“You’ll have to face him sooner or later. Best to think of it like waxing - just yank that strip off, deal with the searing agonising discomfort and get it over with.”Kryten gave him an encouraging smile.Lister did not return it.

“Kryten, I once got a sack and crack wax from an old girlfriend who was a trainee beautician.A very _incompetent_ trainee beautician.And I can tell you for nothing that I would rather relive that hellish experience a thousand times over than sit through a shift with Rimmer after what just happened.”

“You don’t mean that, Sir.”

“Really?Let’s plug in Cat’s hot wax wand and test that theory.”

“Even if I were inclined to take you up on the offer, the appliance in question is back on Red Dwarf and we still need you to cover the cockpit.You know Mr Cat’s attention span won’t stretch to a double shift.”

“I know, I know, but...” Lister looked up pleadingly, “...what do I _say_ to him, for smeg’s sake?”

“The delicacies of these sorts of human matters are a little beyond me as a mere mechanoid, Sir.But might I suggest that sometimes talking is not necessarily the answer?”

Lister pondered this for a moment.“Awkward silence and steadfast denial it is then.I can manage that.”He stood up.

“Mr Lister, that’s not exactly what I was...”

“Sweet, blissful, denial,” Lister repeated emphatically as he left the room.

Kryten watched him go and shook his head, exasperated.“Humans.For a species so obsessed with copulation, they really do make it difficult for themselves.”

When Lister slunk into the cockpit, Rimmer was already in his seat, staring over-intently at his screen.He did not look up.“Listy.”

Lister returned the clipped formality.“Rimsy.”He sank into his own seat and focused on the empty void ahead of them.“Anything on the scanners?”

“Nope.”

“Long range?”

“Not a bean.”

“Good.” 

Inside, Lister screamed.Nothing else to talk about.Nothing else to focus on.Just the two of them alone in this dark room staring into space for the next four hours.He started to sweat nervously.

Rimmer cleared his throat.Lister tensed, but there was no follow up.A few minutes of silence later, Rimmer cleared his throat again.He took a deep breath.“So...”

“So what?”

“So, about what happened earlier...”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Lister said quickly.

“You think I do?”

“Well, you _are_ the one talking about it.”

“I haven’t said anything yet.”

“Good.Don’t.”

“I just thought it might clear the air if we perhaps...”

“No need!” Lister cut him off.“Air’s as clear as the top of the Alps in springtime.”

“It just feels like there’s a certain amount of tension that...”

“Tension?What tension?I am perfectly relaxed.”

“Well, _I’m_ not.”

“I can’t think why not.What is there to be tense about?”

“Oh, let me think for a moment.”

“Thinking too much is half your problem.”

“Look, this isn’t easy for me!” Rimmer protested petulantly.“You know I’m not good at this sort of thing!Talking about...stuff.”

“Then don’t!”

Rimmer piped down.They sat in silence for a minute.Two minutes. Three minutes.Four...

“I just need to be clear in my own mind,” Rimmer said, “You knew that was me, right?I mean, that is what you saw?It didn’t just change shape when we walked in, and before that it was some blonde bimbo with big boobies?”

Lister couldn’t stop the disgust from manifesting on his face.“Do you really think I’m that kind of guy?”

“Well, last time...”

Lister remembered Pete Tranter’s sister and cringed.As if he wasn’t embarrassed enough already.“Ok.Fair point.”

“So...it wasn’t her?” Rimmer probed. 

“No,” Lister admitted grudgingly.

“It really was actually....?”

“It wasn’t _you_, okay?”Lister fidgeted self-consciously in his seat.

“I saw it, Lister.”

“I mean, yeah, it was you but it wasn’t _you_ you.”

“Well, that’s made things so much clearer.”

Lister threw a short resentful look over his shoulder.“It was you if you were chilled out.Fun._Nice_.”

“I am nice!”

“You’re the only man in history to have the word ‘bastard’ on his CV as a qualification.”

“Success isn’t always about being liked.”

“No, but dating usually is.”

“You want to date?” Rimmer asked anxiously.Almost every part of Lister’s body and brain had a minor nervous breakdown. 

“What?No!I didn’t say that!”

“No need to sound so affronted.I mean, you’re the one who was fantasising about rolling around on the floor with me.In here.Right where we’re sitting.”

Lister closed his eyes, trying to stop the memory from replaying in his head.There was no part of that experience he wanted to think about right now, for a myriad of different reasons.

“Listen, I don’t want to date you, I don’t want to roll around with you on the floor or anywhere else, and I don’t want to talk about this ever again.Ok?”

“Ok.Fine.That is 110% tickety-boo with me.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

There was another long awkward silence.

“What if I put on the leather jacket? Would that...help?” Rimmer asked meekly.

“Help?Help what?How would that help?” Lister stammered.

“I don’t know!I’m just throwing out ideas here!”

“Are you trying to say that you...want to?” Lister asked, not quite believing what he was hearing.

“Of course not!” Rimmer insisted quickly.“I’m just trying to be nice.You said you wanted me to be nice.”

“Since when do you care what I want?”

“Oh, just forget it.Forget the whole thing.”

“I’m _trying_ to.You’re the one who won’t shut up about it.”

There was some more silence.

“Don’t say I didn’t offer,” Rimmer muttered after a while.

“Offer what?You literally just said you didn’t want anything.”

“You’re not the only one who’s lonely, you know.”

The words jolted Lister, and made something inside him ache.Yeah, they were both lonely, and had been for too long, but still...

“You think this is the solution?”

“_The_ solution?No.But _a_ solution?Maybe.”

Lister turned to face him, heart in his throat.“You think you can be...nice?” he asked hoarsely.

“I can’t promise that.But I can promise one thing,” Rimmer raised an eyebrow, “I won’t explode into green slime.”

Lister pulled a face, “I guess that’s better than nothing.”

“I’m not perfect.You know that.But neither are you.”

“Fair enough.” Lister allowed.He realised he was smiling.

Maybe Rimmer wasn’t exactly the boyfriend he’d always wanted, but the feeling was no doubt mutual.And maybe sometimes the thing you wanted wasn’t what you actually needed.

When Kryten walked past an hour later and found the door to the cockpit locked, he didn’t know whether to be pleased or annoyed.It was nice they’d finally worked out this bizarre mating ritual, but he still needed to clean up all the psiren slime.


End file.
